Yesterday, I met 2 amazing beings.
I lay on my bed, hands across my lower belly, breathing deep and slow and consciously moving through my feet, hands, legs, and all parts of my body to relax. Let go. Melt. My rose quartz heart is resting below my belly button. I imagine my body bathing in the soft pink light of the crystal.
Resting deeply into me.
I start talking to her. I say hello. I'm sorry for not acknowledging her. For pushing her away. Being shameful. Not trusting her. I tell her that I know it has been hard to trust me, with all that has happened from the start.
Since I came into this world, and the collective hurt of the feminine that I was sensitive to since I took my first breath. I told her that I was sorry for how I treated her growing up. Forcing her to be a certain way, before she could even be her natural self. I apologised for substituting her wisdom with artificial means. I told her I was scared, and didn't know what else to do. I did what people said was a good idea, easier, better. I told her I was sorry for not respecting her sacred space, letting other poke and prod in insensitive and harsh ways.
I bathed her in the love I've always had for her, but never knew how to express.
I told her that I understood she may need time to trust again. Trust that I won't put her in danger through the intense states I took my body to. I told her that I am softer now.
I told her that I would be here now, listening to her, holding space for her to display her magnificence, and open into her power when she is ready. I told her that I didn't expect her to do anything more than be herself.
And I heard my womb say back to me with a heavy, relieved sigh: 'I've been waiting for you.'
This being that I met has always been here, but I never gave her voice.
The other being that I met - I met first.
A stunning goddess of a woman, who radiated the most loving, pure, and still grounded energy that I've felt for a long time. We spoke and made meaning in our flow, and shared our journeys and understandings. She reminded me of so much I has forgotten, or pushed away, or was afraid to shine.
When I shared that I was still waiting for 5 years for my menstrual cycle to come back, she didn't have the reaction I usually get. The one that makes me feel shameful, or worried all over again. The usual reaction of 'get that checked out?!' or 'have you tried this? Or this? Or this?' She didn't have the reaction that the last practitioner I saw just 3 months ago had with a scoff - 'WELL NO WONDER, from all you've done to your body!' She didn't spark in me the self-doubt and the fear that usually came up when people would refer me to traditional medicine, or diagnose me with a potential illness.
She simply asked me 'do you have a relationship with your womb?'
I immediately re-remembered.
I immediately understood.
My whole body, in that moment, tingled with light. That sensation that's felt when you reclaim your power, your trust, your knowing.
From meeting this beautiful being, I was able to give myself permission to go home, and meet another. My beautiful womb. My feminine core.
I feel like I've come home.