I recently heard a stirring quote (where did I hear it?! I can't remember at all!) that struck me as the crux of why we want to open deeper into our feminine.
When you open, life opens for you.
That is powerful. True. And compelling...
Don't we all want life to open for us? To open it's doors to fresh ideas, opportunities, connected friendship, deeper love? Don't we all want to feel not just accepted by life, but embraced? Like we are moving with the current in flow, rather going against it...?
I've done enough of going against my own current. I've had jobs that felt empty. Did study that I was trying to 'force' as a passion. I've been someone whose role I could play for some time, but eventually, feel drained and defeated in knowing deep down it was still an act. I've become very good at closing from life.
I remember years back, when I was an angsty teen, dealing with the pain of not having a present mother who was able to be physically there for me, for almost all of my life. Trying to fit in to an immediate family of a brother and father, and many of my dad's girlfriends (who were sadly, quite unstable) who would come in and out of my life so fast that I learned not to get attached.
In this instance, something had happened - I don't know what it was - involving my dad's relatively new girlfriend. And I felt the familiar pang of a whole host of emotions at once.
Like, more than I imagined the average person felt. I was always told I was too sensitive, too emotional, to not cry, to not get upset, to not 'feel' - the very essence of the feminine - to FEEL and to EXPRESS. I developed the amazing skill, as so many of us women will, to close it all off. To go numb, quiet, still and not feel.
I actually did like this woman - she was a little different to most of the previous girlfriends. I had befriended one of my dad's past partners and stayed very close friends with her for years, to the present day (there will no doubt be a post about her at some point). This girlfriend, however, was difficult in other ways. Not like the regular crazy that would come out (in the past it used to be pitting my dad against me to the new girlfriend had the attention - very intense jealousy issues). It was difficult in that I wanted to connect so bad, and open up to her, but I knew what could happen if I did. She would eventually leave (or dad would leave her, as was the pattern) and then I'd go through losing a mother figure all over again.
So I sat in my room, while she talked at me, expressing her own hurt/concerns/frustrations... whatever the issue was at the time, while I stared blankly ahead. I didn't look at her. Not once. I didn't change my body or facial expression. I didn't say a word. I became the most still, silent, cold statue, and retreated so deep within I felt like I was watching myself from above.
Watching with shame and sadness and hurt at what I was doing, but unable to stop. I was protecting, so much, that I closed myself. Closed myself, so the pain and the risk and the potential hurt that the situation (life) could have given me then could not be felt.
I knew the truth of the quote above, long before I knew I knew. When I closed, life would close for me.
In that moment, when it was hard, scary, when emotions were bubbling so close to the surface, and all I had learned was against the compulsion to express them, I wanted life to close. I didn't want to open to the moment, because that would mean I would feel all of it. And I had learned that feeling was bad.
Feeling, as I felt, was not ok. I was a teenager then, but really, a scared little girl. Confused. Sad. And just wanting to feel safe.
Years later, this pattern of mine was instilled deeper, and came out in moments of intense drama or circumstances in life. It came out when I heard about my mothers death. The shutting down. Closing off. The rejecting my expression of grief. It came out in arguments with partners. Don't feel. Don't show anger, frustration. Don't talk back to them. It's not safe. The man will yell at me. He will reject me. I am not ok. It wasn't until maybe 6 years ago that I really came to know how deeply rooted this was. And It wasn't until about 4 years ago that I started practicing opening in a different way.
But life is opening up in so many more ways, gifting me with the connecting to that feminine source of strength, so that when I allow myself to feel the feelings, and express them fully, it is not only a cleansing, it is a feeling of trust in that I am allowed to feel, express, and open in love. It is my practice to notice the closing. Moment to moment.
And now, years on, this beautiful woman who is still with my father, is someone I am the most open and expressive with in my life. We have an incredible relationship. I love her.